fuck you

I want you to wake up at 3 am trembling from the cold because you just had a hauntingly vivid dream about me committing murder-suicide. I want you to savagely rip your heart out from your rib cage because only then you will know how gut-wrenching it is to miss someone and not be able to tell them. I want you to clutch your chest in despair as the realisation dawns that I will never be yours. I want you to descend into madness from the never-ending cacophony of my resonant voice echoing in your head.

"Wake up, I miss you."

I want sleepless nights for you, nights spent dissecting every mistake, suffocating under the weight of your own regret. I want you to weep and laugh and sigh in resignation as you read our past conversations and know that you can never have them with anyone else. I want my name to escape your lips in sleep, the last thought before you drift into that liminal space between consciousness and dreams. I want you to wake up feeling utterly empty and devoid of any form of purpose because the left side of your bed is cold.

"Do you miss me?"

I want you to dissolve whenever you hear my name because you realise no matter how much you call it out, I will never come back. I want you to still think of me, ten years from now when you pass by that place near the water and feel a tidal wave of guilt for ever letting me go. I want you to look at the scattered remnants of your life and feel like it will be messed up forever because no one else will ever know how to fix you.

"Where are you?"

I want you to always be ravenous for the affection that no one else but I could offer. I want you to choke on your words whenever you profess love to another, because, darling, you will never love them as deeply as you loved me. I want an eternal void to linger in the darkest recess of your heart because that spot will always be mine and no one else's.

"Goodnight, baby."

Most of all, I want you to lose your faith in life because I am no longer a part of yours.